十八歲那年，一個週六的深宵，在明珠台看到一部公映於1968年的美國電影，叫 "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter"(港譯「天涯何處覓知心」)，男主角阿雅倫阿堅憑當年此片獲奧斯卡最坐佳男主角金像獎。 我獨個兒在漆黑的房間中看著那閃動著藍光的黑白屏幕，每個畫面，都寫進我的心裡。這部電影的訊息，也走進了我此後大半生的經歷。
電影改編自1940年美國一位年輕女作家Carson McCullers於23歲時第一部發表的同名小說，"The Heart is a Lonely Hunter." (備註1)一題源自蘇格蘭詩人Willia Sharp, 他以一個女性的筆名所發表的一首詩，其中兩句是: Here in the heart of summer, sweet is life to me still. But my heart is a lonely hunter that hunts on a lonely hill。
電影透過Carson所描述的一個嚴重聽障男人與一位輕度智障者的純真友誼，以溫柔敦厚的抒情故事方式，帶出上世紀六十年代美國社會的種種不公現象: 殘疾，貧富，種族，罪犯等等，處處不平之中同時突顯人間處處有情，而飾演聽障並只能用手語表達的Alan Arkin是主軸，全片沒發過一言，卻以一份於所有人脈脈有情的眼神，默默安慰別人，而自己卻從來未有人嘗試去明白他，他原不孤單，但最終卻陷落了深深的憂鬱，這電影深深觸動我心至今(備註: 電影片段在此文之後)。
從那時開始，我意識到普世人類雖有種族，長幼，智愚，性別等等之分，工業革命後的社會的分層分類更形複雜，然而以人類核心需要，實只得一類: 同歷深刻的[孤獨]，而且與生俱來，這[孤獨]，源於人類不能獨自解決。人活著，無論弱健與否，必需以心，而心之所在，需要另外一些人以心相待，這就是[愛]，那是所有科學都不能解釋與分析，也未能提供的一種似虛卻實的人間至寶。
同處但不同心，算不上是[同在]，沒有愛，或不能愛，便會孤獨。 同心而未能同處，在不同時空裡，若能彼此繫念，便不孤獨。
不能同心，欲愛無從，或尋愛無門，是普世之象，也是人際紛爭之禍源。 說到底，人類深層的渴求始是心靈連繫(spiritual connection)，繼是心意相通(heart to heart)。
惟人類與生俱來，都患上同一種基因病，叫[自我]，基因病變帶來種種病態，例如無止境渴求被認同，被注意，被重視，被抬舉....，又或在被輕視與被排拒之間衍生恨與情感扭曲。我們也常常只看到別人有[病]，忽視或忘記自己也有[病]，同[病]卻未能相憐，彼此異化，至於誰才是真正[病入膏肓]，推
來攘去，縱使心中有愛，卻又錯發與誤收，此正是人間糾結所在，故此孤單與愛是打打罵罵，糾結不解的雙生兒。
離開一段關係，表面是眼不見為淨，實情是希望離開同處但失聯(disconnect)之苦，惟六親眷屬的關係難斷捨離；那份[孤單]，彷如長期疾病，慢性蠶蝕身心，一段人倫關係的萎縮，可以同時蔓延影響至其他人際關係，甚至自我價值(self worth)的萎縮。
孤單尋索，不無價值，在於深刻地省悟了人類需獨處而不能獨存，個體的心靈若能省察，並能將之滋養為與他人心靈相繫的重要田土，此乃一生的功課，可是，我們在[愛]這門功課上，常常都是學習遲緩者(slower learner)，而這份功課，不在乎合格與畢業與否，而在乎畢生有否覺醒與致力。
故此，回應上主的國[在地若天]的宣告，不在乎亮麗成績，沒有榮譽學位頒發，也沒有不勞而獲之僥倖。只需明辨在祂的恩典之下，每一個[病]人的心靈深處，與生俱來，早已同時給賜藏了一帖解藥，人皆具之，及時尋索，盡早服用，也要幫助別人服用，彼此便可醫治，治癒與否，存乎恩典。
此[藥]雖無有效限期，且越服越有，源源不絕，只是生命卻有限期。
此[藥]雖無有效限期，且越服越有，源源不絕，只是生命卻有限期。
故此，得時不得時，最終只能各自負責。畢竟，我們本毋需做孤單的獵者。
(備註) 電影片段: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter(1968)
請開閱The Heart is a Lonely Hunter
At 18, late one Saturday night, I saw an American film called "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter" on TV. Alan Atkin, the main actor, won the Oscar Award for this movie. I was alone in the room watching the TV screen with the flashing blue light, and every image was written in my heart. The message of this film has become part of my experiences for most of my life.
The film was edited based on the first novel of the same name by a young American female writer, Carson McCullers, published in 1940 at 23, "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter". Her novel's title was adapted from the Scottish poet Willia Sharp. He wrote a poem under the pseudonym of a woman in which two lines read: Here in the heart of summer, sweet is life to me still. But my heart is a lonely hunter that hunts on a lonely hill."
In Carson McCuller's novel, she told a story about a man named"Mr Singer, " who had a severe hearing impairment and friendship with a man with intellectual disability. She brought out the injustices issues of American society in the 1960s with these two characters. In her book, Alan Atkin played a hearing-impaired man's role and could only express himself in sign language. The film's main character in which he was called "Mr Singer". didn't utter a word in the movie. Still, he empathised with those he knew by showing his understanding with his eyes, while no one ever tried to understand him.
I was much touched by this movie. Every character in this movie represented a social role in the American Society in the years of 60. I have realised that although human beings are always divided into race, age, intelligence, gender and so on, society's stratification after the industrial revolution is even more complicated. However, there is only one core human need: the profound "loneliness" that we all experience and are born with. This "loneliness" comes from the fact that human beings cannot solve it alone. To live, whether with a disability or not, one always has a heart yearning for love, and where that heart is, one needs other people to share the same wish. This is what we called "love", which all science cannot explain or analyse. Though it seems intangible, it can be felt among human beings, so important that just like water and air for our survival.
Being together but not sharing feelings is not a real sense of "together". Without a capability to love or feel loved or unable to love, one will be lonely. If we share the same emotional needs, even we are separated from each other in time and space, we are not alone.
The inability to share, the lack of a way to love, or the lack of a way to feel loved, is a universal phenomenon and a source of interpersonal strife. In the end, the deepest longing of human beings begins with spiritual connection and continues with a heart to heart.
We are all born with the same genetic defect called "ego". The genetic disorder brings various pathologies, such as an endless desire to be recognised, noticed, valued and lifted up, or the hatred and emotional distortions that arise between being belittled and rejected.
We often see that others are "sick", but ignore or forget that we are "sick" too, and fail to pity each other. Very often, our love is misdirected and misrepresented. This is where human beings' tangle lies so that loneliness and love are twins that fight and scold with each other. They are inextricably entangled.
Walking out from a relationship allows us to let someone out of our sight and out of our mind. Our wish is to free ourselves from the pain of disconnection with someone very close to us. "Loneliness" is like a chronic disease that erodes our bodies and minds. The atrophy of a human relationship can spread to other relationships, and even a devalue of self-worth.
Our search for solitude has its own value in the profound realisation that we need to be alone, but not to exist on our own. It is a lifelong challenge. Even though we are always slow to learn how to love, keeping ourselves awake and committed during this long journey is essential.
Therefore, the proclamation of the kingdom of God "on earth as in heaven" is not about getting a good grade or an honorary degree in this learning process. It is also not about the luck of getting something without making efforts. It is our recognition of His grace. There is an antidote already offered for every [sick] person deep in our souls. Although this [medicine] has no expiration date, and the more you take it, the more you will have it, and it will not cease to supply. But we should note the fact that there is an expiration date on our life. We need to treasure our time on the earth, to make efforts to accomplish this task.
So, in the end, each of us is responsible for what we did. After all, it is our choice to be or not to be a lonely hunter of heart.
(Remarks) Film clip: The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (1968)
